How it all began.
My healing journey didn't start from pleasant beginnings. I didn’t get whisked away to Hawaii on a moon beam of butterflies. I got to Hawaii from a desperate prayer for a new path during a time in my life I feel compelled to talk about.
TW: Suicide/prevention, alcoholism/depression.
My long time friend Beth, was a troubled soul when she left the physical plane, but when we were at the height of our friendship she was the funniest and most caring person I knew and for years we were joined at the hip.
Months before she passed, she asked me if I had ever seen ominous spirits and told me how she was in a shadowy place and seeing menacing beings. I had no idea what she was talking about and it scared me. I couldnt relate or help her and was at a loss as to what to do. We began to distance ourselves. She, deeper down the darkest path, and I deeper into a bottle and into toxic relationships with other lost souls. I believe we were experiencing what is known as "the dark night of the soul". Sadly, Beth's dark night ended by her own doing. It was a heart wrenching day for us all. Guilt and shame for not helping her more was a shadow on me. But we still felt her here. When Beth passed, she visited me in my dreams. We always said which ever person passed first would try to communicate with the other. She needed help crossing over. At least that's what I came to learn from my mentor and her partner, an Ojibwa two spirit woman. They helped me see what was happening and how I could help her on this side. Those teachings continue to be so valuable to my life. And when I would dream of Beth after the ceremonies we did, she would tell me not to worry about her and to take care of myself. I still struggled alot with my own demons. I found myself in the middle of the night, on my knees in some prairie grass, asking if there really was such a thing as the Creator or God watching, if it could help me out of this dark place. I pleaded and begged for a change with everything I had.
Beth's passing brought my other best friend back to Kansas from Hawaii for funeral services and to reconnect. When she went back to Hawaii she sent me the calling. "Come to Hawaii Jessica. This place is calling your name." So I did. I worked in construction with my Dad and made my ticket money. I already had a job lined up there at a retreat center called Kalani Honua which translates as, Heaven on Earth, fitting. I spoke of it in my previous anniversary post. I packed my bags and went to the Big Island. It was actually really hard for me. Being around a new culture and way of life that was different from my life in Kansas. People talking about "Aloha" and enlightenment was new and hard and I packed to leave Hawaii, 3 times because of it. Good thing I stayed. I believe my path truly changed when I went to view the lava for the first time. It was a 6 hour walk each way over a hardened lava field. That’s a funny story I'll save for later. At the end of the journey, my feet were so sore I had to crawl out of the car to my room. I took my socks off and with them came blisters. Every toe, top and bottom, my heels and ankles, the pads of my feet even the top of my feet. Not from the lava, which everyone thought, lol, it was from my hiking boots. They hadn't been broken in yet and that was my first time wearing them.
My best friend, daughter of my mentor, nursed my feet back to health with herbs and ointments everyday until they were healed. In essence, my feet were basically, skinned. Ouch. Years later I realized it was a moment that marked the time, though a painful one, of my path changing. As I mentioned in my previous post, the thing that sealed the deal for me was seeing the ocean life parading down the coast in a symmetrical pattern. I chose the healing life that day. I chose all of the magic and healing I could like it was food and when I could function in my life with the tools I learned, I learned how to give it.
I dont take this path lightly, Ive made mistakes along the way, I've fallen off and I've been lost and found myself on my knees again and again, but I feel like it's all part of the journey. I'm truly honored to still be here for the community I live in. To hopefully share the in the healing light I saw those 20+ years ago. To create experiences that help people feel the magic that lives in them so they know they're not alone. It still lives in me and I'll never forget it. Here’s to the healing path and those that find themselves on it, greetings, you're not alone.